Expectations Disappoint; Hope Keeps You Present
Expectation is the root of most heartache. Think about it. When people fail to meet our expectations, we become disappointed. When our goals fall short of expectations, we feel discouraged. When reality does not match what we expected, we suffer.
But expectations are a necessary part of life. We set them for ourselves, for others, our institutions, governments, or religious bodies, even for what is beyond our control. Like a weather forecast, expectations attempt to predict the future, and this is where the danger lies. Instead of living in the present, we assume our desires, attachments, and yearnings will certainly be realized. Whether they are fulfilled or not, expectations inevitably deliver happiness or disappointment.
No one can predict the future, but all of us can trust what is possible. This is called hope, an understanding that something could happen versus being convinced that something will happen. We often mistake the two.
Expectations can be seductive and undermine our self discipline. Why struggle or strive if we assume the outcome is already assured? When we fixate on a specific result, we set ourselves up for disappointment, pain, resentment, and even shame when it does not materialize. Over time, this can pull us into a sense of failure and discouragement. Instead of reflecting inward, we blame forces beyond our control, which only erodes our confidence and weakens our ability to move forward.
It is a mistake to believe we can control people, events, circumstances, even the weather, in our effort to have expectations fulfilled. We convince ourselves that our actions will produce a specific outcome, but this is an illusion. The consequences of what we do often extend far beyond what we can see or anticipate, unfolding in ways that are both positive and negative, and ultimately impossible to predict.
A good example of this can be understood in a Chinese parable from the 2nd century BC:
A young man lived near the border.
For no reason, his horse ran off into barbarian territory.
Everyone felt sorry for him.
His father spoke to him:
“Who knows if that won’t bring you good luck?”Several months later,
his horse came back with a group of barbarian horses.
Everyone congratulated him.
But his father spoke to him:
“Who knows if that won’t bring you bad luck?”Now his house was rich in horses,
and the son mounted with joy riding them.
One day he fell and broke his leg.
Everyone felt sorry for him.
But his father spoke to him:
“Who knows if that won’t bring you good luck?”Later the barbarians invaded across the border.
Adult men strung up their bows and went into battle.
Nine out of ten residents were killed,
except for his son because of his broken leg.
Father and son both survived.
Resentment Begins When Expectations Go Unspoken
Expectations inherently remove us from the present moment and isolate us in an unknown future, causing negative emotions to take hold. But when we concentrate on the present moment, we enable clarity. In this mindset we cultivate compassion, empathy, joy, and love. The here and now allows us to become more attentive to what is happening around us in real time.
Our tendency to place expectations on others is natural, especially with people we are close to, whether personally or professionally. When we fail to clearly communicate those expectations, we assume others should already know them. It is in these gaps that frustration, exasperation, and resentment take root.
What we expect from others can lead to disappointment and resentment. In turn, our reaction can bring about misunderstanding, distrust, and frustration. What if we placed no expectations on someone we choose to love, but instead accepted them as they are? Is this even possible? Does it make sense at all? Should not every relationship have boundaries, limits, or requisites? Yes to all of the above.
Just do not confuse living in the future with living in the present. Staying in the present is a constant process, but doing so will remove you from the mental shackles of expectations. They become a prison of your own construction, which can lead to discontent with your abilities, the actions of others, and the unfairness of the world in which we live.
One of the most influential English poets of the 18th century, Alexander Pope, said it best, “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” If we reflect on this and apply it to our lives, we can eliminate the prospect of imperiling our peace of mind.
Finally, sometimes we even place expectations on the prayers we say, seeking benevolence, protection, and intercession for ourselves and others. We become disappointed, frustrated, and angry when God seems to fail to answer the way we anticipated. Many have left their faith because their expectations were, “ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened.” Subsequently they feel cheated when they did not receive, did not find, nor have the door opened to them. Instead of hoping something could happen, they expected that it would.
The sense that we have done our duty, performed at our highest level, or made a meaningful sacrifice, only to see it go unrewarded, deepens our bitterness and disillusionment. Left unchecked, expectations become the building blocks of resentment. We must resist this cycle and be mindful of what we construct in our own minds, lest these internal prisons lead to a lifetime of disappointment and victimhood.
5 Steps to Controlling Expectations
Step 1: Begin with Prayer
The Serenity Prayer is a beautiful response to situations beyond our control and the expectations we have for a better life.
The Serenity Prayer
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Step 2: Name the Expectation
Ask yourself, “What am I expecting right now?” If it is unspoken, it is not an agreement, it is a guess.
Step 3: Separate Expectation from Reality
Expectations feel like facts, but they are not. Shift from: “This will happen” to “This could happen, but it may not.”
Step 4: Communicate What Matters
Unspoken expectations are the fastest path to resentment. Clarity turns assumptions into alignment.
Step 5: Reframe Disappointment Quickly
Disappointment is not the problem, attachment is. When something does not happen, ask yourself, what did I assume? What is still within my control now?