Take the Wheel When Frustration Takes Over
How letting go of ego can change the way we respond.
It all started with a parking space.
Two men believed they had the right to the same spot. Words were exchanged. Tempers flared. Insults became threats, and soon a crowd began to gather. Then, in a matter of moments, an ordinary disagreement became something far more dangerous. One of the men went to his car, retrieved a handgun, and pointed it at the other.
Fortunately, someone had called the police. Officers arrived before anyone was hurt and were able to deescalate the situation.
All of this over a parking space.
Later, as I reflected about incident, I wondered how does a moment of frustration escalate so quickly? What allows an emotion to take control of what we do next? We live in such an intemperate climate where nerves are rawer today than at any other time in our history. There appears to be no hesitancy to threaten someone for a perceived insult, thoughtless action or minor transgression. Where is all this anger originating? Why are some individuals so swift to retaliate?
What made the scene even more troubling was the presence of children in one of the cars. I couldn’t help but wonder what effect witnessing such behavior from a parent or trusted adult might have on them. What were they learning about anger, conflict, and how we treat one another?
For me, it was a sad reminder of how far we still have to go. We like to think we have become more civilized, more tolerant, and more understanding than generations before us. Yet moments like this suggest otherwise.
There is an old Taoist story, “The Parable of the Empty Boat,” that illustrates how quickly we can become angry when we believe someone has wronged us.
One day a man was rowing his boat on a lake. A fog had swept over the body of water, slowing his efforts to proceed more rapidly. Suddenly, he saw another boat approaching him with no opportunity to avoid it, he screamed “Hey, watch out you’re going to hit me.” Yet the other boat did not change its direction and thus it collided with his. The man exploded into a rage. As he stood in his boat he shook his fists, outraged over the recklessness and the indifference of the other boater. But as he stared into the other boat, he discovered it was empty. No one was in it. Apparently, it must have become untethered from its moorings and drifted into his path. He immediately became frustrated; there was no one to yell at or express his anger. He had no one to blame for the accident. The absence of someone to direct his wrath exasperated him further, he had wanted to vent but now had no subject to direct his feelings.
First, anger needs a target, someone or something we can hold responsible for our fury. When we feel slighted, we presume it was the person’s attempt to attack or deliberately offend us. We become livid that someone would be so rude and inconsiderate as to disrespect us. Taking such offence is making it personal, thus eliminating one very important element: we exclude the possibility that it was an accident. Our immediate reaction can turn a misunderstanding into a personal attack.
Second, we often fail to see others as “empty boats.” When others are ill-mannered, disrespectful, or mean we fail to consider what may be happening in their life. We cannot see their state of mind or know the struggles, pain, or despair they may be carrying. Some may simply be lost, drifting through life without a clear sense of purpose or direction. In that sense, they have become empty boats. Retaliating against them does nothing to improve the situation. It may only deepen their own sad state of affairs and make our own similar to theirs.
Lastly, examine your own boat. If your ego is one that determines your behavior you will find yourself taking everything that happens to you very personally. Navigating your way through life believing others are out to hurt, ridicule, ignore or take advantage of you makes the world revolve around your feelings. Anyone who disagrees with you, causes you distress, harm or anguish, controls you and can manipulate you. You are not the captain of your boat. Quite simply, you have surrendered the piloting of your boat to someone else’s control.
When Ego Takes Over, Choose Gratitude
One of the surest ways to live with greater peace and prevent external collisions from sinking us is to let go of our ego. The ego’s need to feel offended, defend itself, or retaliate can overwhelm us, causing us to take personally something that may have nothing to do with us. With that in mind, let’s consider some practical ways to defuse conflict before a moment of anger leads to consequences we may deeply regret.
I once heard about a man who became so frustrated in traffic that his anger began to affect him physically. His heart was racing, he was perspiring, and he began cursing at the other drivers. His passenger calmly said, “Think about what you have. You have this car. How many people in the world don’t have a car, and may never have one?”
In that moment, a simple shift in perspective turned frustration into an opportunity for gratitude.
Of course, that thought won’t make the traffic disappear or eliminate his frustration over being late. But it might keep him from allowing that frustration to become personal, or from saying or doing something he later regrets. Traffic is just one of the many everyday stresses we encounter, and it isn’t going away anytime soon.
It is worth remembering that not every inconvenience is a personal offense. Most people are not deliberately trying to make our lives more difficult, nor is the world conspiring against us. When we shift our attention from what we believe we deserve to appreciating what we already have, we loosen the ego’s grip on us. The ego demands to be first; the self understands that we are part of something larger than ourselves.
Choose Words That Heal, Not Hurt
All of us are very familiar with how one’s words can affect us. How someone speaks to us, the tone and temper can have dramatic effect, sometimes causing wounds that never heal. As has been said, words are like bullets, once they leave the muzzle of the gun, they cannot return. Exercising impulse control regarding one’s speech to another is one area we could do well to improve upon especially when our ire and exasperation reach levels of toxicity.
Socrates advises us that whenever we are tempted to say or repeat something we should ask ourselves three questions; (1) is it true (2) is it kind and good (3) is it helpful or beneficial to the listener. Unless we filter our remarks through these standards our intentions may be more driven by ego rather than our wish to communicate effectively.
We need to take a breath, think before we act and speak, or we may permit our wounded egos to dominate any attempt to solve a disagreement, clash or controversy.
The truth is, we’re all in the same boat. None of us is leaving this world alive, and much of what we have is temporary. Many of our blessings were given to us rather than earned, while others have far less.
If we move through life seeing others only as boats competing for our space, without appreciating the cargo we carry or considering the burdens they may be carrying, collisions are inevitable. And some can have consequences far greater than the moment that caused them.
Perhaps the goal isn’t to avoid every rough sea, but to learn how to navigate it with greater patience, gratitude, and understanding.
Here’s to the journey: not always smooth, but certainly an adventure worth taking.
5 Steps for Letting Go of Ego
Step 1: Start With Prayer
Heavenly Father,
Help me remember that not everything is about me.
When I feel offended, criticized, ignored, or disrespected,
give me the wisdom to pause before I react.
Help me let go of my need to defend my ego and consider
what others may be carrying that I cannot see.
Remind me that my worth does not depend on how others treat me.
Give me the strength to release what I cannot control
and the peace to move forward without resentment.
May I take fewer things personally, forgive more easily, and respond
in ways that reflect the person You are calling me to become.
Amen.
Step 2: Pause Before You React
Give yourself a moment between what happens and how you respond. Not every action requires a reaction.
Step 3: Stop Taking Everything Personally
Someone else’s behavior may have more to do with what they are experiencing than with you.
Step 4: Replace Entitlement with Gratitude
Instead of focusing on what you deserve or what others owe you, take stock of what you already have.
Step 5: Choose Who You Want to Be
Before responding, ask: Is this reaction consistent with the person I want to become?